As the Sarah Turns

Wow, it looks like there is a lot of drama going on today and definitely an overload of info. I'm feeling some drama but not really in a panic. I'm in a state of leisure where I may or may not read some things and that I may have my pick and choose of what I will say. Some people out to get me and some people to support me at the same time. This seems like a more democratic and free atmosphere where there is liberty. I still believe that communism exists in the U.S. I still think communism and tyranny is very real.

On with some man drama...............
Steve, Kelly has given me the awareness that in some way, you are being a white knight for me. I appreciate it, but at the same time, I am wondering what is up your sleeves and if there is any catch, what your catches are. I have had some experience with white knights. While there is nothing I can use against you and would obviously appreciate you, I still havn't forgotten about the entire concept of the white knight trap. I am going to be paying more attention to you with what I can see and am paying attention to you for a reason.

Seth. seth seth seth. hmhmhmhmhmhmhmmahahahhaha Seth, I havn't seen the full episode, but I did see the beginning of the show. I still may not know everything about your capitalism, but I have been learning more. You put me in a place where I do have to be very straight forward with you. With the whole grey hound thing, I'm not taking the whole animal thing personally and not taking it as a Spanish Inquisition from you. Sadly, I have experienced some sexual abuse with people taking things out of context and too far. You havn't come off that way yet. If you did, I really would say you deserve to die with the rest of the sexual abusers. You're breaking my heart in a different way, and there is some kind of respect that you're being straight forward instead of playing too many games or lying to me altogether. You did have an effect on me when you lead me on though. You put a hook in me. I'm not sure if you may be further suggesting things with orgies or a threesome. I havn't googled who your girlfriend is. I know I have a connection with Penelope right now in Pirates, but just because I have one share, it does not mean that I share all of her capitalism. ~snowflakes~ I can be honest that there really are some women that I think are very sexually attractive. However, the chemistry I feel for you now is more of jealousy with your other woman than wanting a threesome. If she loves me like you love me, I don't have the mutual love with her. I'm a little afraid to know because knowing who she is just may break my heart a little more. I don't know what you heard about me or what you really think of me, but I think you may have a wrong impression of me.

In other thoughts............... I'm not sure how to completely read Kelly. I don't think she is insulting me the way people usually do. I think she is insulting me in a few different ways..... Kelly, I'll just say this, I'm not the type of person who is a people pleaser for relationships. I do hate the game. I do not consider myself having any serious or hard connections or any conformity to the game. I've already learned that in capitalism, disasters and messes are created because I really do choose to be my own person rather than conform to the game of relationships. That is who I am; that is who I will always be. So, I don't care if you are calling "Kate Bosworth," (or any other matrix Kates) the ultimate dubbed leader and shot caller of the game, I live my life for me, I don't live it for Kate, or the sake of the game. I am not out to impress Kate with any gaming skills. I am not out to be a people pleaser in anyway for her sake. I am not only not the slave of Kate, but I am not the slave of practically everyone.

Dr's. I don't know which ones may be paying attention to me. If it could be my prenatal Dr's or other Dr's who work directly with me. Or Dr's who are capitalists or on my side from a distance. Dr.'s while I will never claim you as God either, you still matter to me and your voice is still important to me. I hate the way I may look with "at your mercy," but I really want you to understand who I am as a person sometimes. In this instance, I know the blame game is probably the cause of most severe violence or chemistry with anyone. I know I sometimes crack jokes about Pamela Anderson with myself or others with "hit me," but I'm really not trying to play the role of the matador right now:



Like I have said before and that I have been rocking with myself, all I can really do is be myself:

You are missing the point

Call me an anarchist. I am looking out after my life. I don't plan on dying young. With how things have gone, and if I do die, I would let my baby be adopted in another country. I havn't done the research to which I would decide.
KEY WORDS
I am not at anyone's mercy
(Seth, no offense, you are great at seduction and wooing, but I still give myself the Dora label while I explore).
I refuse to answer to anyone
In down to earth reason, I do make efforts of reasonable responsibility AS FOR BEING ANYONE'S SLAVE THEY CAN FUCKING GO FUCK THEMSELVES.
So many people do not get that I am sincerely disrespecting them.
So many people do not get how arrogant, egocentric, and conceited they really are.
I know the reality of what I have been living through. Seth is totally new. Everyone else? A BUNCH OF INHUMANE FUCKWADS WHO THINK THEY ARE GOD AND FUCKING HAVE THE CONTINUED FUCKING NERVE TO DEMAND OR EXPECT ANYTHING OUT OF ME.

Keep ignoring me and call me Pam, or you can see me as I see my ICE COLD FROZEN ROCK SOLID ROCK



AND SETH IF YOU STILL HAVE A SHARE WITH BURLUSCONI FUCK YOU FOR SERIOUSLY CALLING ME A PROSTITUE WITH THE OTHER FUCKING ACCUSATION.

Some stuff to say

There will always be numbers of pressures and stressors. I really hate some of the things I am aware of. Sometimes, I hate to feel that I have to defend myself over things that are just plain ridiculous.

My mind set is changing. What people would usually think and assume some of my main focuses are, aren't at all. Mainly, politics. I hate that I am a vulnerable adult right now at this moment. I am living a very personal life, and hate that I know how much I am being watched. I hate the additional judgement, criticism, and possessive remarks people make of me concerning the mix of politics and my state of being. I do not consider myself a coward whatsoever; this next huge change in my life is not meant to be a political agenda at all. It will not be subjected to one either. As for other people being paranoid of my own recent personal choices and judgement; it is not even about them. I mean this in a large political spectrum. This is about me and my life, and everything and every specific person involved, personally.
While people may be constantly subjecting me to their agenda's of entertainment, my change will be to continue to have the same stance as I have always have in dealing with people's expectations of me to be subjected to entertainment.

In other thoughts, I am happy. I will eventually say more thoughts, but right now, there is so much I keep to myself.

Crafting: I had a great weekend. I hope to find at least one more festival other than flea markets to set up shop. Flea market went well this weekend.

Still looking for a job.

I will probably make this a movie week and rent a bunch of movies.

So Anxious either way

It could already be very obvious with some people or if even assumed. I'm being vague anyway...........I have to wait until payday. I would feel a little embarassed and actually a little upset if my instincts are wrong. If my instincts are right, it is a completely different story and will be overwhelming. I would be happy but it would be overwhelming. It is not a cry waiting to fall into the wrong hands. I already have a major hunch at what some enemies would go any lengths to do and I can't let that happen. It will be something to completely prepare my mind for if something were to happen. It is not happening at the time I would want it to happen but I would bust my ass.

Work is well. Halfway through the week. I think it is going to be easier than what I would assume. It makes my life a little less overwhelming. Winter time will be more of an obstacle.
Crafts. I'm mad because I still get a little exhausted and as productive as I planned to be, I'm not getting much done. caffeine diet is killing me. must do. I need to make this blog short and sweet and postpone some other ideas and talk about those ideas for another day.

I still have not figured out the matrix. While there is so much drama within it, the specific drama this time involves some man drama. I really would like to elaborate a little more, but it will be postponed until later. I can already spot a few men. Right now, I am focused on one literal man and the hint is he is in Virginia. I do try to pick up on other things. In being vague in the state I am in, I just can't help myself right now with making efforts to keep my head on straight in all ways and not cave into some of my vulnerabilities. I may have to play an aggressive game of phone tag to find him. I may not have to. I may find someone else to game with.

Bridge that is already crossed

With so much past experience of having to suffer from grubby handed people, I am not surprised that I encountered more grubbiness today. It was actually yesterday's paper.
The issue of bipolar disorder.
IF THERE WOULD BE ANY SOLID AND CLEAR STATEMENT CONCERNING THIS IT IS THAT EVERYONE CAN GET THEIR HANDS OFF AND PEOPLE WHO ARE EXPECTING TO BE DEPENDED ON SHOULD GET VIOLENTLY BITCH SLAPPED.

I've been to the hospital a few times. I think of all the times I've been there, the first time I was there was probably my best. I went hard in biting the bullet. The Dr. I worked with was the best Dr. yet. Why? First off, she is walking proof of not being eaten alive by the disease. My actual Dr. was diagnosed with the very same disease. And she is an official Dr. I was so appalled in reading the article in today's paper of how undermined people with bipolar disorder are. The article does at least speak of emotional and psychological aspects, but it is still very demeaning in description of those who have bipolar disorder. I think the next predictable move that pigs and haters would make would be to force me to go to that treatment place where I would be calling people pigs, wiggers, and niggers every step of the way.
It isn't really a serious racial issue. The term does match my anger. I can't help but be such a vulgar sailor during the times where I get so angry. I have referred to takers before. There should be a better term where there is no sort of ethnicity or race that has relevance to the noun of people who live as pigs and taking other people for what their worth who are corrupt and dump the problem, the blame, and other random excuses and reasons to their convenience.

What I'm trying to get at is I'm tired of staleness and irresolvance and piggishness. It isn't that I'm really demanding to be a slave-driving pharoah. I'm simply stating I shouldn't have to suffer for anyone, and especially with a bottom of my gut anger towards pigs. It is when I see things like that, I conclude that people are lazy ass pigs that are far of deserving to have any sort of leadership for the way they manage "inconvenience's," in life.

If I'm an inconvenince, too bad. People need to grow up and learn to deal with life.

I love myself. I would not change a thing about me. I am so sickened that some people think they deserve to undermine me, have my dependence on them, or any sort of rule over me.

This is definitely a major provoking. I've already had my anger and tears over the diagnosis. Sometimes, it varies with how much people who are ignorant of the disease can get a rise out of me. A newspaper article, and especially one that undermines like that really succeeded in it's provoke this time. Good for you authors and editors and "authorities of intelligence." Good for you.

I've had other instances of provokings. Right now, this is the biggest fish to fry of the day.

I'm frustrated but unwavered, unbroken, unmoved by the provoking.

Naked Love Letter

Dane,



As always, I don't know everything. I see some gossip. I could be wrong in my own assumptions of gossip. I can't help but be a hardcore Veronica sometimes.......
Anyway, even though I am being defensive for you about the gossip of other people, it still is not about them that I write you this letter.
In some ways, you are an ideal man.
In other ways, you are far from being the ideal man.
I can already tell you are picking up on some of my regular battles and issues I have with other people in life. I really do still like to have a conservative outlook where some things are between us and no one else. I think you have already come to terms with me being a vulnerable adult, so I believe there are things you understand are out of my control when it comes to being guarded, secretive, and conservative about.
I don't think I should have to die either because the world is out of control and my reality is chaotic.
I can tell you have some passion and care for me. I can't tell how much you love me. It varies with me how cynical and doubtful I am with how hopeful I am. Regardless of feeling hurt and disappointed and let down from time to time, I've made the choice to either be available or love you anyway.
You really can light up my life sometimes. I really love the happy times with you. I love the times we have good chemistry together. Sometimes, (which the specifics have and don't have some secrets), the predator in you turns me on so much. You may never know the specifics, but I give you credit that sometimes, the predator in you is burning and steaming hot.
To defend us in the gossip, even though people are right and cliched to be right, I will always have a mind of my own. In my anger, I have already said I would rather be raped by a man than a woman. Territorial issues and issues of being told what to do has already been acknowledged.
It goes back to how I see Egypt, France, and Ukraine. It really does depend on a lot of things with me and how I make judgement in my own time. Sometimes, I feel even though people are right, it is structurally abusive in the end. It could be compared to one of the anorexic models that works themself to death. So, I appreciate myself in being vague and quiet because I really do trust myself more in the end. I think with how complicated life is, I lighten my load more when I work myself too hard than fight to either be right or use all my energy on a small battle. I may not be making a large number of people happy right now, but I do have my own level of personal satisfaction and it does put me at ease. I really do want to make effort in making you happy too, but when it comes to being myself and making you happy, I would say I don't think we completely know each other yet. To make any strong decisions or decisions that are set in stone for me or you to be one way or the other might ruin what we have. I really like taking time with you. Other times, I feel like I forget everything and no matter what goes on, the sexy predator in you wins regardless. Not all the time. Sometimes.

So, I just want to say, I'm enjoying the time we are having right now. I have been officially been diagnosed with being bipolar. I make no promises. I'm not sure if you make promises or there are some specific things about you that I should take seriously.

Muah!

Let's Make Some Mud Pie

In this lifetime, I think it is pretty much impossible to ever prove anything about myself. In this instance, people are not going to take my demands of conservatism very seriously. I also point out that it is another sacrifice I have to make because I really do want to be seen as a conservative.



Right now, screw it all, time to get messy.
I know, it is a simple statement, but some sadists already know my pain while others remain clueless.

I will start with Caveman Chris. I know a couple of Chris's. There is just one particular Chris I have on my mind right now, while I still remain confused with the system and "shares/foodstamps" of various matrix people.
Maybe right now, everyone may either be starting at surface level with me, or they are making it known who they seriously are, what points they may be trying to prove, or what their own asshole looks like.
For Chris, it comes across as he may be trying to say that one matrix connection is true: He is in it for my Aunt Lisa or some blond chick that I don't know. He may also be experiencing abuse by her and maybe he is in his own cycle that he wants known but either wants to break out or spice up his life by including other people in it and not changing his cycle.
The catch and mind game?
He is a self-admitted Nazi that has some silent hidden motive that I can't clearly see yet. Head honcho matrix man that shares all responsibility? Some belief but I have not seen his entire puzzle yet.
I'm still anorexic to the accusation that was made against me years ago in Inglorious bastards, and he either wants to be corrupt and lie about me and cause me to suffer anyway as his own twisted Nazi disguise, or he really is ignorant and wants to wrestle me over it.
He may have a seduction with the Dr. Role.
He may want me and my Aunt Lisa, or some random blond chick to be the competitors in his own game of sophistication that has yet to be journeyed or that I may have already experienced blindly with his own testing.Part of his torment is how he identifies me and compares me with my aunt Lisa to say that we are the same.
Another movie to put on the list to see being so far behind in other movies. I'm broke and despite the rejection feel I am still center of attention not even being helped during my poverty. Such a twisted way of suffocating. I already see the structured abuse of it all which creates my skepticism of having any belief of sincerity or love from other men.
At this point after already feeling beaten to death on the inside and for the hatred I've experienced; After I have felt that I have some kind of love but still feel like I'm not truly loved, I ask what is being asked of me.
What are people really expecting?
Commit Suicide?
Become a serious villain and terrorist?
Bust my ass to be aggressive in a relationship where I am the hunter and abuser and always the aggressor or die alone?
Maybe have someone else's patience proved?
Maybe a hidden agenda I can't see yet?

Moving on to the next idea of other men:
They are still unique in their own way, but I see some structure and categorization in their own communistic way. Some say I should feel shameless, but right now is a time where I really do feel dirty because I am very sexually attracted to several celebrities in that group.
I already feel tormented over the gay issue and there have been one or two that I have already said "mercy," to.
There is a violence and agenda I can't define or see clearly yet.
I feel several forms of attractions that leave me confused in the end: seduction, possessiveness, rejection, some homicidalness, some emotion, some own personal but confusing ways of hooking/clinging.
Again, I really wish I could be conservative. I really don't like thoughts like this to be exploited but I see myself in my down to earth world and feel like I will never master the cat and mouse games. I feel there will always be a passive-aggressive fight where I either try too hard or feel paranoid that I'm not trying hard enough. It is not meant as a pass at a woman either or that I want help. I still want my independence even if I do feel like I might get screwed over. I like having a thing for the modern man.
I question if my attraction ruins it for someone who may actually be serious with me and I am always stuck in the game where I may never be settled with one serious man. The feeling of being bothered and/or alone varies. Sometimes, I really don't mind being single.

messy messy messy

Somewhere Out There: Dear Josh

Josh,

I think you are the only man to ever call me Judas. You have some blending in my social world with making emotional connections, but I do not understand to this day why you see the picture that way. If you are the one who would die for me, in your own analogous way, how do you die for me? Isn't it already a little late for there to have any kind of argument?
This is why in my perception, we had the most hateful and violent chemistry: you were always one sided. You are your own violent chauvenist. More violent than Ron Burgundy. I understand my own jealousy and I could understand with the list of other men I throw a bitch fest with how you could be jealous and compare all the other Ron Burgundy's amongst yourselves.
Over the years, through time and maturity, my perception has evolved a little. I really do have a lot of reasons to hate you. I really use my upbringing, youth, my innocence and your chauvenism and mystery against you.
You would be the cave man type of man most definitely and you were the first cave man that I had any sort of intimacy or connection with. Through time, I have a little more respect for the French culture but am not in ultimate preference of the Tyranny of it all.
Like your cat has said, "I will always be the one to die." Meaning that when there is any dispute; when there is any conflict; when push comes to shove; I will always be the one to lose. I will always be the one to blame. I will always be the one to be thought of last.
I continue on in my isolation and lonesomeness. There is not any commune that I want to be with.
There will always be people to argue that I get my way all the time and am living the good life. There will always be the rebutteling cliche of: "Things could always be worse."
It is the reality of what has already happened with our personal chemistry.
Precious
Sweeney Todd
Other examples of catastrophe and chaos where I could never think of a reason where we should ever be together again or where I would even want to be with you again. (I really did make my best efforts to let people know Precious was an overreaction of mine and over exaggeration and unfair rumors and lies of the media). Sweeney Todd is obviously more surreal and fantasy based. I havn't caught up on everything else yet. Too much info.
I'm lost in figuring out how you supposedly died for me. I'm lost in figuring out how you love me. I'm lost in seeing your picture and perception.

Letter to the Jury

I think by now we all know how heavily I'm being watched and obsessed over.
I still think it is sick and psychotic that people think I should still have to live through this hell hole. It is a major dare for people to actually ask why I think my world is chaotic.

First off:
I think we could all agree that I'm being ignored.
Past that, if people would see my personality for what it was, I'm still true to myself. I'm still MIA with my anger towards the system.
I am directing these thoughts at my down to earth living conditions. Where I live, who I live with, and working conditions.
Dane is a different story.

They fucking even made MIA famous. Despite the said fame, there is still neglect. It is such a hard slap in the face when reality proves itself passively to say: "You're not an acknowledged individual at all, you're only used to entertain others. Unpaid on top of that."

Although I neglect my father, he still speaks in an obssessive domineering way over me.
I've had my talks, I called him Hitler and constantly turn my back.
He has proved past the point of neglect just how hateful and how much of a sadistic hater he is.
On top of that, he remains a judgemental person and keeps his job as a pastor.
It really is rare for me to call someone a hypocrit.
I understand that I have a history, but his expressions of dominance over me I would compare to the barbarians on Troy.I think the rest of the barbarous men in this town have influenced my dad to the point that he really is not different. He fails to see he is gravitating more toward his anger and hate and being part of the rest of the commune to be a barbarian.
I now seriously see my dad in a whole new light after seeing some things.
He isn't completely dead, but now he is a vile hating zombie waiting for any moment to go cannibal on me. He sadistically denies my intelligence further in either thinking I'm too naive to understand his hatred or knows I'm intelligent and words it in a wolf dressed as a sheep where the only way I could call him out would be to turn it into some kind of victimization game where after he has already been a Troy barbarian, He is looking for any vulnerability to try to seize when he really doesn't have my respect in any way shape or form.

I am officially disgusted that he is a pastor.
He needs a new job. He isn't good enough to be a pastor.
I think people have their own times to go through emotions. Any kind of emotion. It doesn't give them a license to kill because they have emotions. But, after the overreaction of about 10 years ago and with me already being overexploited with one example where he is exploited as well, it disgusts me that I have to live in this house.
My dad is not capable of handling his emotions.
He is a psycho path is probably helpless in this town's Troy, but I still get further victimized by him anyway.
I shouldn't have to live like this.
I'm sick of the denial this town has.
Not any member of my family
Not any single person in this town
has any right to torture me whatsoever. there should be no reason why I am made to suffer the specific and largely detailed way that I am made to suffer.
Of course people get away with hate crimes all of the time, but I really am tired of waiting for an intervention after already living with obvious exploits. This country should be so ashamed of itself for the real hatred and abuse it has. I am so disgusted.