Somewhere Out There: Dear Josh

Josh,

I think you are the only man to ever call me Judas. You have some blending in my social world with making emotional connections, but I do not understand to this day why you see the picture that way. If you are the one who would die for me, in your own analogous way, how do you die for me? Isn't it already a little late for there to have any kind of argument?
This is why in my perception, we had the most hateful and violent chemistry: you were always one sided. You are your own violent chauvenist. More violent than Ron Burgundy. I understand my own jealousy and I could understand with the list of other men I throw a bitch fest with how you could be jealous and compare all the other Ron Burgundy's amongst yourselves.
Over the years, through time and maturity, my perception has evolved a little. I really do have a lot of reasons to hate you. I really use my upbringing, youth, my innocence and your chauvenism and mystery against you.
You would be the cave man type of man most definitely and you were the first cave man that I had any sort of intimacy or connection with. Through time, I have a little more respect for the French culture but am not in ultimate preference of the Tyranny of it all.
Like your cat has said, "I will always be the one to die." Meaning that when there is any dispute; when there is any conflict; when push comes to shove; I will always be the one to lose. I will always be the one to blame. I will always be the one to be thought of last.
I continue on in my isolation and lonesomeness. There is not any commune that I want to be with.
There will always be people to argue that I get my way all the time and am living the good life. There will always be the rebutteling cliche of: "Things could always be worse."
It is the reality of what has already happened with our personal chemistry.
Precious
Sweeney Todd
Other examples of catastrophe and chaos where I could never think of a reason where we should ever be together again or where I would even want to be with you again. (I really did make my best efforts to let people know Precious was an overreaction of mine and over exaggeration and unfair rumors and lies of the media). Sweeney Todd is obviously more surreal and fantasy based. I havn't caught up on everything else yet. Too much info.
I'm lost in figuring out how you supposedly died for me. I'm lost in figuring out how you love me. I'm lost in seeing your picture and perception.