Playing politics: Micro rightfully seen, macro overlooked

I havn't talked about political talk in the most literal context for the longest time. If I had anything to say about Burmuda/Bollywood: I give myself no credit in playing God. I'm not in agreement with the mass prisoner release and know I was speaking in more specific ways than generally speaking. While I deny Burmuda as much of a real world, I refuse to deny that I have a serial rapist/murderer. The years of scars I have over the most violent lies and denial and repeats. While I know I personally have some men denied, others have battered me with their power and rule book and have chosen it by far over me where I am left as nothing but an "it." I won't see or do things a man's way and they chose their sense of power over me too many times. It's not meant as a pass to Angelina over "Maleficient," but I've never not noticed the violently rejected "it," I've been and its not that I identify entirely with the name of role either (not to be butched even more). Its the concept of men being vain, jealous, and narcissistic over power and making their choice of what matters most (not me). … I could go on with my personal pity party. There will always be a part of me that resents crying out loud and feeling like I've personally exposed too much but I've already been past the point in crying out loud too much. I still feel suicidal when pressured and forced to be a lesbian. Odds that I won't be let down, dwindle down. I've yet to be proven something else than a man having to be the fascist rule book battering king... I keep getting back into my soap opera rabbit trail, redirecting into political thoughts, my main root and jeer: God speed for all things vital: God please quicken the process of vaccines and cures. God bring peace to all panicked, especially myself. God speed for economic stability for all. I see panic with a lot of ice cream deliveries: vital money being spent on what could be a last indulgence for a long period or even life. … People are looking at macro-economics but statistics of deaths in crime need to be looked at. I would blame increased crime on matters of economics, poverty, and various types of desperation, and I hate to say there are things I know I have personally noticed. I don't encourage fear or panic, but I think the issue of crime needs to be a more evident issue and have a role in death statistics too. In economics, it is very well said that there is a close of businesses and other careers. I would well believe it is incredibly higher than 18%. The stimulus check will be late and help only so much. The speed of obvious demand jobs needs to be sped up especially to the ones suffering job loss. The hiring process should be a peace of cake and a made offer. The ones suffering job loss should be first. I heard of one place already turning one business into a hand sanitizing business, but the in demand products should create more places of widespread factories and manufacturing. There are some new careers to be made out of present circumstances. While people who have mortgages look like they have some kind of break, rentals should get some kind of break too. I have one loan that is already offering a deferment, and I hope more loans offer more deferments. I both presently and in the future have a serious obstacle of childcare and childcare rates. And, with Mitzi's asthma and asthma at this time last year, I have so much reason to be worried sick and where the safest place for her to be and how much I hate being away from her when I have to work. I fall through the gaps with my bills and income and would not choose to intentionally set myself up to fail to fall through the cracks further into assistance and more significant losses. I can't save myself from the increased lack of sense of safety I have in my life on all ends. I was panicked before the epidemic. I don't like the new fear of crime either and I feel the fear. I know I have been greatly stalked, preyed on, and threatened, but the threat just gets heavier. City or no city, it is a heavy threat. God speed, God speed, God speed.

As much as I agree, I can't..., and Random Thoughts

The entire situation with you boat 15 has seemed impossible from the start. I'm not going to entirely disappear yet but eventually may. I have to keep going like it is a possible situation when I have run into another "stop." As much as I could look at him and agree "who am I?" I get the way he agrees with me and just wasn't wanting to hear it anyway. "See where you will be one year from now. cursed and bondaged prune." It's more like Jacob and Rachael where I am Jacob and he is Rachael. If he is a typical chauvinistic manipulator where when I have a problem with being the Jacob, that makes me the Leah to whomever he so easily gets over me for and of course, she wouldn't have anything to wait for. There are different kinds of waiting periods that I can have some understanding to. If there was some most sense to make out of boat 15, I don't know what entire sense that he would just come out of the blue and grab me. Whether it be a sincere test or not, I feel injured over you wanting me to wait with I'm not enough. I'm a person you can love or leave, not enslave and be told what to do. While you still could have a sincere lustful or emotional connection to me, I still feel insulted. enough was never enough. It is another blow that is just too hard to take. I have my own personal way of taking it in addition to knowing I get blackmailed over having to wait in several different ways. More forceful people come along who want to put me in one corner or another. … What if you were to fly overnight just to come see me? Am I ready to meet you in person? (even if I was only to be a brief love affair, I would need you to make me feel the wanted and accepted person I am in person.) Am I ready to meet your real and every day life of fame? With what you do with your life? In time, with the rest of your closest connections and continue to observe a wife who isn't divorced? With the fact you are still married, this just isn't the mission of a missionary I was wanting and waiting for. I'm burnt by the Stockholm; how much of a mystery and wonder you have; and certain instances I've had to keep questioned. I'm not comfortable letting boat 15 in my gang as long as Shawn is around. Initation boat 15...I have encountered several different worst repeats of the devil of Father Wade Calvin and him wanting having me done in in certain ways or keeping me played. While you havn't been too much of a Father Wade Calvin, I still feel failed and feel more defenseless and vulnerable to "enough isn't enough" It is a lie when some guys want me to believe they are so into me and gung ho for me and then it is "enough is never enough." When it comes to waiting, I seriously could agree and understand in some ways, but I can't. Through the years of suffrage I've been through, this is more suffrage and I can't handle it. …....I know there are more fish in the sea of real life men who I have yet to have time to make effort in the dating scene for but plan for it to happen soon. As much as I want to talk about some things and bridge the gap, it is so hard to just come out and say some things. Some gaps will never be bridged. Some scenes will always be these impossible smothering stockholms that just remain impossible. Anyway. The famous and wealthy Bollywood men along with the regular every day life people. Some of the famous and wealthy can really get a hold and hook on me. It isn't impossible that a regular guy would be capable to get me hooked. Regular men will vary in how much they will or won't play the field and how serious they are about dating and being in a relationship..... It is like there is some hidden force of nature that will always force me to be taken by a wealthy breadwinner that I will usually have no other choice to be a slave for. If a wealthy and famous man can make me feel loved and accepted without being a victim of prejudice or degradation, I wouldn't have a problem in being with him. I wouldn't see why we couldn't be together. If they wealthy and famous were to want to wonder my main response is "I know I'm big in Bollywood. I get talked about, to, and debated in big ways for whatever reason whether I wanted it or not, whether I liked it or not. Whether or not you feel my "Big in Bollywood" is good enough for you is something for you to decide. My "Big in Bollywood" is really the only sense of match or entitlement that I have. Love me or leave me. Sometimes there are other forces of nature that forces them into me, or me into them, it seems as if it were always an interruption and robbery of time against a regular man WHO WOULD treat me to acceptance and love without the prejudice or degradation. I seriously have no other regular man right now, but it doesn't change the fact that whether or not the "wealthy and famous" intentionally needs me or has another reason to take me because there is another antagonizing force of nature he wants to protect me against.

~slowly~

So, what if you were arbited and snuck up on me with some shares with Tom a couple of years ago? I am somewhat upset, but of all the things that have happened, it isn't something I'm most upset with. You are someone I could have unknowingly hurt and offended with Tom... I'm sorry you are walking on eggshells with me boat #15 and as much as I want to believe in your sense of comfort and your will to hold me; I think your outlook will be angry and frustrated against me. It matters to me that someone has a strong sense of understanding and that my identity isn't forgotten or watered down in another way. We could both have different understandings of forgiveness but I think the way you would want me to forgive particular people or particular things that have happened is probably idealized differently. While I have recently made a mild joke about someone having to be in my gang and initiating their self; I have a sincerity in a more serious need for loyalty. I notice people, patterns, patterns of people and structures. I know I see the ways I get ganged up on. I see the ways I get put in a box. I especially see the ways people will enslave me and take whatever desperate measure to enslave me for their self. I've seen the further offense against me in that they get treated to a greater respect and protection after their acts of wanting to enslave me. I was very serious in relating my anger to Django. Boat 15, I think I will eventually make you feel upset that I don't match your ideology. The sense of loyalty, comfort, and respect I need is seriously demanding. I kill to be single for it all of the time. After the things I've lived through I cannot live in any relationship without it. I don't want to lose you but there is a sense of protection and respect that I have to have. It may be something that is too much to ask of you if I "killed" you in some crossfire with Tom and you could be exceptional to the rules. I don't know the half that could be on the details of your mind. I don't know what all you know or everything you think. I'm sorry I have to laugh over just the cover of your recent book. I really ripped on you with the lowest rung of the ladder of protection but didn't rip on you enough. It is very complicated in talking to you with your real life role. The minute I look and remind myself of who you are; its a stutter. Do you ever feel a struggle or frustration in relating to someone and sharing a more natural personality with them? Do you find it difficult to be real, do you have an anger for others to be more real or do you wish the ones that do would shut their mouth for you?

Jon

Given some hints already, I think another thing you could want is for me to keep doing some of the same things: dress up and look pretty and maybe even take myself out more. I think you have already made enough stabs with my financial situation to already know how life is for me. So, you would have some understanding why I can't purchase a lot of nice clothes and afford to go out. I have found some cheap buys, but sometimes, it does take money. I'm also in a pregnant state right now; so that's another story too.
Your show last night.....
That was funny with the Pope scene. I'm not saying much more about it.
I think you're also bringing up Brian Williams for some reason. It isn't that I am denying the drama in the past; I guess I don't know what entirely is going on presently. If you are clueing he is remaining persistant about his death threat and other demands; I really do not know how to handle this right now. I already mocked you both with a rape contest and said I would prefer you over him. I don't want to bring it up or be reminding but I don't know the deep water I'm in right now. Maybe it could just be shallow water that is more about violence. I can try to stay quiet but I also don't know how to be quiet with the clues you are giving. I feel I should be panicking and asking more questions but I don't know what to ask or what I should do. During a walk I had the other day, I was approached by some people of his religion Menonite? Protestant? Latter day Saints? people who gave me a track. Of course I never converted or anything but I guess I've probably also caused some ruckuss with his religion when I was talking to Anderson the other day..........
The Neal character you had on your show last night. There is definitely one Neal I know that you could be referring to, but I wonder and am creeped out with how many shares he could have and however it is that you want me to be creeped out. There is one definite thing and I will get to that in a minute. But the Neal I know.... No, I never had sex with him the night we hungout. We talked and did a little more, but for my own personal reason, nothing more than that happened.
I also don't know if you have a bisexual relationship with him, or if you are suggesting for me to have a different guy right now rather than a woman like you usually do. ??? I'm not sure how to take this.... I'm not really sure what Neal thinks of me. Especially since I'm having a child, he really would not be the type where I want to be in a serious relationship with. I know, I know, call me judgemental, it is just what my honesty really thinks. This isn't about comparing him to other people or people in capitalism either; it is just how I personally feel towards him. It just doesn't feel right to me.
With the ball back in your court.... exploring space...and you being so excited.... You really are being a painfully sadistic predator and not taking away some pain. I know how demanding you are about satisfaction and I'll let you have it. I feel like you're driving your knife in deeper and I'm weeping on the inside and will never understand WHY? why. It is something I can't explain that I've already given death threats over and I'm waking up to the reality that this is something that won't matter to you. You were intending it to be seductive in the instance last night, but it feels painfully dehumanizing. I don't know the other number of people responsible and it is something I want to stay blind to and hate that I don't know how else to communicate to you and don't even want to talk more. It's just something to not talk about keep to myself.
You make it harder to pull off anything to lie or act out with you.
~going back to my cave~

thinking thinking thinking

hmph.
I'll start with Anderson. If I have an "Adam," I really don't know who my "Adam," is. I've never taken any proposals seriously; I see it more as there are immediate demands of my attention. "Adam," could be Howie. If there was another local, I really don't know for sure who's share Howie's could be. I was offended at his show last year and watched few episodes.
The thing in talking to you both: the actions are that I feel I keep on getting thrown around from one stockholm to another. I've already complained of exhaustion. If you havn't noticed, you guys aren't the only stockholmers. I know I have always been against the demands of slave labor and with so many demands after feeling exhausted, this feels like more slave labor. Being a couch potato as slave labor? Yes. When my attention is demanded, there is more to it than just being a couch potato. I'm tired of the way life has been. There are these expectations from such a list of people and I feel that it has been getting me nowhere. It is back to V for Vendetta. I can't get a job now anyway, why not be a couch potato? I can temporarily do this for only so long until I ask the question once again: what is it that anyone really wants from me? What do people want? I will watch the show though.
Jon, I think there could be some gossip with you and my Aunt Sue. I don't know if you really even see me as "Assad." Of course I think it is such a ridiculous label to put on me, but I did personally hear the words "your days are numbered." I know where this was said but not 100% sure who said it. It was definitely a man who said it. That was so mean. Jon, I have a feeling that you could possibly be testing me more with bossy women and sexually demanding enemies such as Stacy and Joe that I hate. What part of "mercy," do you not hear? Do you just want me to remain an "iso," while they make their claims of dominion? Do you want to squeeze and wring out any emotional expression from me to their satisfaction? You know, I'll give it to both Joe's that they are good looking, but it really is their personalities that make them unattractive. Same with Stacy. I was never as bisexual as you made me out to be to begin with. As for Assad, I think you're just dumb to keep looking at me like that.
Can't you show some sensitivity or gentleness?
Sometimes things get in my head and I don't know what to believe. I don't mean that in a personally mental way; I mean that in a paranormal way.
In other thoughts, not a whole lot of people are saying anything. If there is anger about what I've said with China and some cruel and unusual punishment to read into, I'll just take everything back that I said I hope America goes bankrupt by China. I take it back. I think there is some math that is intentionally off of how I meant it, and forget the reason that I ever said it. Just nevermind, I never said it at all.
Maybe some people are going to take their time in saying what they think, but there has got to be some kind of explanation with everything that is going on. I can't take the pain and being reduced to nothing anymore whether: it is based on a personal nonsystematic opinion I had of someone meaning nothing to me, or not it has nothing to do with anything.

Going to have to use my imagination

Man on a Ledge
I may not know the real identity of who all of the cats are. In some familiarity, I can pick up on some ideas or people, but there is not a lot of definity.
It is and isn't funny with how things look sometimes. In getting slapped so many labels and judgement, sometimes it is my own humor and even torment to try to interact or say what I think. Some people desperate and out to call me a schiz; some people desperate and out to be antagonistically judgemental and analytical of a person's loyalty. It isn't always the situation, but the agendas that other people have that bear the most weight.
My catty guess is Putin. I feel I am almost made to assume he has some common ground with Larry and one of the common grounds he has with Larry is the issue of loyalty and being against this term which some value.
I really do think that some people are very extreme and overboard when they are opposers of loyalty and loyalists.
In my own world, I think some would judge I am neither nor, but the main factor is being guilty by association. Some people that I could have associated with are some people that I could have been very ignorant to whatever their guilt was. Other people I have been awared with but having a more laid back and easy going approach.
So how could someone sum me up to be?
I would call myself an iso. I more than well know what the name coward also means and if called it, it is just a name I will have to suffer and deal with.
The thing is either side of loyalists or nonloyalists have their own specificity of what it means to survive around and amongst each other. Sometimes the facts and rules are more obvious than others. Sometimes, the facts and rules are oblivious. Besides an individual's personal snowflake fractals, are the fractals of whatever surrounding they are in. There are some painful moments of pidgeon-holing based on whatever agenda it is that someone may be out trying to prove.
I could have a side thought of arranged relationships and marriages but I will save it for another day.
I will say with Seth's cat; I really don't have a strong belief in any soap opera. I'm not sold into believing a real love and am more assumptive that he plays a Burlusconi role that I don't understand.
My other guess is that the man on the ledge is Eric. It could be Jr, but I'm guessing Eric. I still do not know what his issue was when I was temporarily living on Pine St. in Oklahoma. I'm not totally egocentric to this movie, but I have my hunches. The main character also looks a little like a local who is one of my bankers. He was giving a sign earlier that he was out to do something daring on his own but didn't really include me in his life. We only were out for a couple of days and then we just didn't talk anymore. He hasn't wronged me in any way that I am aware of.

Tom Calderone

It really makes sense that you would be a matrix man architect person to talk to. I used to watch VH1 all of the time. I don't know if you were the owner then, but you are bringing attention to yourself now.
I'm not sure what you would want from me. I also know your career role and an idea of what your job description includes. I wouldn't assume that you would be responsible for lyrics and, music video production. I really do love music and music has always been something nice to exist.
While there are some music videos where someone can fairly say that I should be paranoid and feel some matrix connection identity, it goes back to another example of feeling taken advantage of in entertainment. It could be seen as a benefit. It could be seen in a lot of different ways and beliefs of motives. It isn't the music videos themself that you would be responsible for my anger which makes you angry.
I do question a "Vanessa Milano," connection because of the shirt she was wearing. I used to have a lime green tank top just like that which included the side tie-up. I could guess that "Nick," could have been Shawn Shaffer. Those were the days before I had gone to a Dr. that diagnosed me with "schizophrenia," and "bipolar." You are and you aren't helping the backup to be against the diagnosis.
This is about your idea of homicide. I don't know why you would want to kill me. I could call it slave labor to some extent and feeling taken advantage of while other people would see it as I am the one who is taking advantage. There would still be other expectations in the meantime where even though I don't have the real paid job, that I still have some sort of VH1 expectation and demand to meet. So, Tom, I really do not know what you are getting at.
You want to either kill me for being ungrateful, or you would want to kill me for saying that I am the one whose "volunteering," is being taken advantage of. Maybe you're mad at some comments that I had made at Jim or some of the long list of music videos that are out there. It really does make sense that someone like you would be an architect and matrix man. I don't know what it is that you want or how to disarm you. Tom, if everything wasn't so digital my body posture would be where my hands would be in the air right now with your threat and the figurative gun you are pointing.
What do you want Tom?