As much as I agree, I can't..., and Random Thoughts

The entire situation with you boat 15 has seemed impossible from the start. I'm not going to entirely disappear yet but eventually may. I have to keep going like it is a possible situation when I have run into another "stop." As much as I could look at him and agree "who am I?" I get the way he agrees with me and just wasn't wanting to hear it anyway. "See where you will be one year from now. cursed and bondaged prune." It's more like Jacob and Rachael where I am Jacob and he is Rachael. If he is a typical chauvinistic manipulator where when I have a problem with being the Jacob, that makes me the Leah to whomever he so easily gets over me for and of course, she wouldn't have anything to wait for. There are different kinds of waiting periods that I can have some understanding to. If there was some most sense to make out of boat 15, I don't know what entire sense that he would just come out of the blue and grab me. Whether it be a sincere test or not, I feel injured over you wanting me to wait with I'm not enough. I'm a person you can love or leave, not enslave and be told what to do. While you still could have a sincere lustful or emotional connection to me, I still feel insulted. enough was never enough. It is another blow that is just too hard to take. I have my own personal way of taking it in addition to knowing I get blackmailed over having to wait in several different ways. More forceful people come along who want to put me in one corner or another. … What if you were to fly overnight just to come see me? Am I ready to meet you in person? (even if I was only to be a brief love affair, I would need you to make me feel the wanted and accepted person I am in person.) Am I ready to meet your real and every day life of fame? With what you do with your life? In time, with the rest of your closest connections and continue to observe a wife who isn't divorced? With the fact you are still married, this just isn't the mission of a missionary I was wanting and waiting for. I'm burnt by the Stockholm; how much of a mystery and wonder you have; and certain instances I've had to keep questioned. I'm not comfortable letting boat 15 in my gang as long as Shawn is around. Initation boat 15...I have encountered several different worst repeats of the devil of Father Wade Calvin and him wanting having me done in in certain ways or keeping me played. While you havn't been too much of a Father Wade Calvin, I still feel failed and feel more defenseless and vulnerable to "enough isn't enough" It is a lie when some guys want me to believe they are so into me and gung ho for me and then it is "enough is never enough." When it comes to waiting, I seriously could agree and understand in some ways, but I can't. Through the years of suffrage I've been through, this is more suffrage and I can't handle it. …....I know there are more fish in the sea of real life men who I have yet to have time to make effort in the dating scene for but plan for it to happen soon. As much as I want to talk about some things and bridge the gap, it is so hard to just come out and say some things. Some gaps will never be bridged. Some scenes will always be these impossible smothering stockholms that just remain impossible. Anyway. The famous and wealthy Bollywood men along with the regular every day life people. Some of the famous and wealthy can really get a hold and hook on me. It isn't impossible that a regular guy would be capable to get me hooked. Regular men will vary in how much they will or won't play the field and how serious they are about dating and being in a relationship..... It is like there is some hidden force of nature that will always force me to be taken by a wealthy breadwinner that I will usually have no other choice to be a slave for. If a wealthy and famous man can make me feel loved and accepted without being a victim of prejudice or degradation, I wouldn't have a problem in being with him. I wouldn't see why we couldn't be together. If they wealthy and famous were to want to wonder my main response is "I know I'm big in Bollywood. I get talked about, to, and debated in big ways for whatever reason whether I wanted it or not, whether I liked it or not. Whether or not you feel my "Big in Bollywood" is good enough for you is something for you to decide. My "Big in Bollywood" is really the only sense of match or entitlement that I have. Love me or leave me. Sometimes there are other forces of nature that forces them into me, or me into them, it seems as if it were always an interruption and robbery of time against a regular man WHO WOULD treat me to acceptance and love without the prejudice or degradation. I seriously have no other regular man right now, but it doesn't change the fact that whether or not the "wealthy and famous" intentionally needs me or has another reason to take me because there is another antagonizing force of nature he wants to protect me against.