~slowly~

So, what if you were arbited and snuck up on me with some shares with Tom a couple of years ago? I am somewhat upset, but of all the things that have happened, it isn't something I'm most upset with. You are someone I could have unknowingly hurt and offended with Tom... I'm sorry you are walking on eggshells with me boat #15 and as much as I want to believe in your sense of comfort and your will to hold me; I think your outlook will be angry and frustrated against me. It matters to me that someone has a strong sense of understanding and that my identity isn't forgotten or watered down in another way. We could both have different understandings of forgiveness but I think the way you would want me to forgive particular people or particular things that have happened is probably idealized differently. While I have recently made a mild joke about someone having to be in my gang and initiating their self; I have a sincerity in a more serious need for loyalty. I notice people, patterns, patterns of people and structures. I know I see the ways I get ganged up on. I see the ways I get put in a box. I especially see the ways people will enslave me and take whatever desperate measure to enslave me for their self. I've seen the further offense against me in that they get treated to a greater respect and protection after their acts of wanting to enslave me. I was very serious in relating my anger to Django. Boat 15, I think I will eventually make you feel upset that I don't match your ideology. The sense of loyalty, comfort, and respect I need is seriously demanding. I kill to be single for it all of the time. After the things I've lived through I cannot live in any relationship without it. I don't want to lose you but there is a sense of protection and respect that I have to have. It may be something that is too much to ask of you if I "killed" you in some crossfire with Tom and you could be exceptional to the rules. I don't know the half that could be on the details of your mind. I don't know what all you know or everything you think. I'm sorry I have to laugh over just the cover of your recent book. I really ripped on you with the lowest rung of the ladder of protection but didn't rip on you enough. It is very complicated in talking to you with your real life role. The minute I look and remind myself of who you are; its a stutter. Do you ever feel a struggle or frustration in relating to someone and sharing a more natural personality with them? Do you find it difficult to be real, do you have an anger for others to be more real or do you wish the ones that do would shut their mouth for you?