With so much past experience of having to suffer from grubby handed people, I am not surprised that I encountered more grubbiness today. It was actually yesterday's paper.
The issue of bipolar disorder.
IF THERE WOULD BE ANY SOLID AND CLEAR STATEMENT CONCERNING THIS IT IS THAT EVERYONE CAN GET THEIR HANDS OFF AND PEOPLE WHO ARE EXPECTING TO BE DEPENDED ON SHOULD GET VIOLENTLY BITCH SLAPPED.
I've been to the hospital a few times. I think of all the times I've been there, the first time I was there was probably my best. I went hard in biting the bullet. The Dr. I worked with was the best Dr. yet. Why? First off, she is walking proof of not being eaten alive by the disease. My actual Dr. was diagnosed with the very same disease. And she is an official Dr. I was so appalled in reading the article in today's paper of how undermined people with bipolar disorder are. The article does at least speak of emotional and psychological aspects, but it is still very demeaning in description of those who have bipolar disorder. I think the next predictable move that pigs and haters would make would be to force me to go to that treatment place where I would be calling people pigs, wiggers, and niggers every step of the way.
It isn't really a serious racial issue. The term does match my anger. I can't help but be such a vulgar sailor during the times where I get so angry. I have referred to takers before. There should be a better term where there is no sort of ethnicity or race that has relevance to the noun of people who live as pigs and taking other people for what their worth who are corrupt and dump the problem, the blame, and other random excuses and reasons to their convenience.
What I'm trying to get at is I'm tired of staleness and irresolvance and piggishness. It isn't that I'm really demanding to be a slave-driving pharoah. I'm simply stating I shouldn't have to suffer for anyone, and especially with a bottom of my gut anger towards pigs. It is when I see things like that, I conclude that people are lazy ass pigs that are far of deserving to have any sort of leadership for the way they manage "inconvenience's," in life.
If I'm an inconvenince, too bad. People need to grow up and learn to deal with life.
I love myself. I would not change a thing about me. I am so sickened that some people think they deserve to undermine me, have my dependence on them, or any sort of rule over me.
This is definitely a major provoking. I've already had my anger and tears over the diagnosis. Sometimes, it varies with how much people who are ignorant of the disease can get a rise out of me. A newspaper article, and especially one that undermines like that really succeeded in it's provoke this time. Good for you authors and editors and "authorities of intelligence." Good for you.
I've had other instances of provokings. Right now, this is the biggest fish to fry of the day.
I'm frustrated but unwavered, unbroken, unmoved by the provoking.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Naked Love Letter
Dane,
As always, I don't know everything. I see some gossip. I could be wrong in my own assumptions of gossip. I can't help but be a hardcore Veronica sometimes.......
Anyway, even though I am being defensive for you about the gossip of other people, it still is not about them that I write you this letter.
In some ways, you are an ideal man.
In other ways, you are far from being the ideal man.
I can already tell you are picking up on some of my regular battles and issues I have with other people in life. I really do still like to have a conservative outlook where some things are between us and no one else. I think you have already come to terms with me being a vulnerable adult, so I believe there are things you understand are out of my control when it comes to being guarded, secretive, and conservative about.
I don't think I should have to die either because the world is out of control and my reality is chaotic.
I can tell you have some passion and care for me. I can't tell how much you love me. It varies with me how cynical and doubtful I am with how hopeful I am. Regardless of feeling hurt and disappointed and let down from time to time, I've made the choice to either be available or love you anyway.
You really can light up my life sometimes. I really love the happy times with you. I love the times we have good chemistry together. Sometimes, (which the specifics have and don't have some secrets), the predator in you turns me on so much. You may never know the specifics, but I give you credit that sometimes, the predator in you is burning and steaming hot.
To defend us in the gossip, even though people are right and cliched to be right, I will always have a mind of my own. In my anger, I have already said I would rather be raped by a man than a woman. Territorial issues and issues of being told what to do has already been acknowledged.
It goes back to how I see Egypt, France, and Ukraine. It really does depend on a lot of things with me and how I make judgement in my own time. Sometimes, I feel even though people are right, it is structurally abusive in the end. It could be compared to one of the anorexic models that works themself to death. So, I appreciate myself in being vague and quiet because I really do trust myself more in the end. I think with how complicated life is, I lighten my load more when I work myself too hard than fight to either be right or use all my energy on a small battle. I may not be making a large number of people happy right now, but I do have my own level of personal satisfaction and it does put me at ease. I really do want to make effort in making you happy too, but when it comes to being myself and making you happy, I would say I don't think we completely know each other yet. To make any strong decisions or decisions that are set in stone for me or you to be one way or the other might ruin what we have. I really like taking time with you. Other times, I feel like I forget everything and no matter what goes on, the sexy predator in you wins regardless. Not all the time. Sometimes.
So, I just want to say, I'm enjoying the time we are having right now. I have been officially been diagnosed with being bipolar. I make no promises. I'm not sure if you make promises or there are some specific things about you that I should take seriously.
Muah!
As always, I don't know everything. I see some gossip. I could be wrong in my own assumptions of gossip. I can't help but be a hardcore Veronica sometimes.......
Anyway, even though I am being defensive for you about the gossip of other people, it still is not about them that I write you this letter.
In some ways, you are an ideal man.
In other ways, you are far from being the ideal man.
I can already tell you are picking up on some of my regular battles and issues I have with other people in life. I really do still like to have a conservative outlook where some things are between us and no one else. I think you have already come to terms with me being a vulnerable adult, so I believe there are things you understand are out of my control when it comes to being guarded, secretive, and conservative about.
I don't think I should have to die either because the world is out of control and my reality is chaotic.
I can tell you have some passion and care for me. I can't tell how much you love me. It varies with me how cynical and doubtful I am with how hopeful I am. Regardless of feeling hurt and disappointed and let down from time to time, I've made the choice to either be available or love you anyway.
You really can light up my life sometimes. I really love the happy times with you. I love the times we have good chemistry together. Sometimes, (which the specifics have and don't have some secrets), the predator in you turns me on so much. You may never know the specifics, but I give you credit that sometimes, the predator in you is burning and steaming hot.
To defend us in the gossip, even though people are right and cliched to be right, I will always have a mind of my own. In my anger, I have already said I would rather be raped by a man than a woman. Territorial issues and issues of being told what to do has already been acknowledged.
It goes back to how I see Egypt, France, and Ukraine. It really does depend on a lot of things with me and how I make judgement in my own time. Sometimes, I feel even though people are right, it is structurally abusive in the end. It could be compared to one of the anorexic models that works themself to death. So, I appreciate myself in being vague and quiet because I really do trust myself more in the end. I think with how complicated life is, I lighten my load more when I work myself too hard than fight to either be right or use all my energy on a small battle. I may not be making a large number of people happy right now, but I do have my own level of personal satisfaction and it does put me at ease. I really do want to make effort in making you happy too, but when it comes to being myself and making you happy, I would say I don't think we completely know each other yet. To make any strong decisions or decisions that are set in stone for me or you to be one way or the other might ruin what we have. I really like taking time with you. Other times, I feel like I forget everything and no matter what goes on, the sexy predator in you wins regardless. Not all the time. Sometimes.
So, I just want to say, I'm enjoying the time we are having right now. I have been officially been diagnosed with being bipolar. I make no promises. I'm not sure if you make promises or there are some specific things about you that I should take seriously.
Muah!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Let's Make Some Mud Pie
In this lifetime, I think it is pretty much impossible to ever prove anything about myself. In this instance, people are not going to take my demands of conservatism very seriously. I also point out that it is another sacrifice I have to make because I really do want to be seen as a conservative.
Right now, screw it all, time to get messy.
I know, it is a simple statement, but some sadists already know my pain while others remain clueless.
I will start with Caveman Chris. I know a couple of Chris's. There is just one particular Chris I have on my mind right now, while I still remain confused with the system and "shares/foodstamps" of various matrix people.
Maybe right now, everyone may either be starting at surface level with me, or they are making it known who they seriously are, what points they may be trying to prove, or what their own asshole looks like.
For Chris, it comes across as he may be trying to say that one matrix connection is true: He is in it for my Aunt Lisa or some blond chick that I don't know. He may also be experiencing abuse by her and maybe he is in his own cycle that he wants known but either wants to break out or spice up his life by including other people in it and not changing his cycle.
The catch and mind game?
He is a self-admitted Nazi that has some silent hidden motive that I can't clearly see yet. Head honcho matrix man that shares all responsibility? Some belief but I have not seen his entire puzzle yet.
I'm still anorexic to the accusation that was made against me years ago in Inglorious bastards, and he either wants to be corrupt and lie about me and cause me to suffer anyway as his own twisted Nazi disguise, or he really is ignorant and wants to wrestle me over it.
He may have a seduction with the Dr. Role.
He may want me and my Aunt Lisa, or some random blond chick to be the competitors in his own game of sophistication that has yet to be journeyed or that I may have already experienced blindly with his own testing.Part of his torment is how he identifies me and compares me with my aunt Lisa to say that we are the same.
Another movie to put on the list to see being so far behind in other movies. I'm broke and despite the rejection feel I am still center of attention not even being helped during my poverty. Such a twisted way of suffocating. I already see the structured abuse of it all which creates my skepticism of having any belief of sincerity or love from other men.
At this point after already feeling beaten to death on the inside and for the hatred I've experienced; After I have felt that I have some kind of love but still feel like I'm not truly loved, I ask what is being asked of me.
What are people really expecting?
Commit Suicide?
Become a serious villain and terrorist?
Bust my ass to be aggressive in a relationship where I am the hunter and abuser and always the aggressor or die alone?
Maybe have someone else's patience proved?
Maybe a hidden agenda I can't see yet?
Moving on to the next idea of other men:
They are still unique in their own way, but I see some structure and categorization in their own communistic way. Some say I should feel shameless, but right now is a time where I really do feel dirty because I am very sexually attracted to several celebrities in that group.
I already feel tormented over the gay issue and there have been one or two that I have already said "mercy," to.
There is a violence and agenda I can't define or see clearly yet.
I feel several forms of attractions that leave me confused in the end: seduction, possessiveness, rejection, some homicidalness, some emotion, some own personal but confusing ways of hooking/clinging.
Again, I really wish I could be conservative. I really don't like thoughts like this to be exploited but I see myself in my down to earth world and feel like I will never master the cat and mouse games. I feel there will always be a passive-aggressive fight where I either try too hard or feel paranoid that I'm not trying hard enough. It is not meant as a pass at a woman either or that I want help. I still want my independence even if I do feel like I might get screwed over. I like having a thing for the modern man.
I question if my attraction ruins it for someone who may actually be serious with me and I am always stuck in the game where I may never be settled with one serious man. The feeling of being bothered and/or alone varies. Sometimes, I really don't mind being single.
messy messy messy
Friday, April 15, 2011
Somewhere Out There: Dear Josh
Josh,
I think you are the only man to ever call me Judas. You have some blending in my social world with making emotional connections, but I do not understand to this day why you see the picture that way. If you are the one who would die for me, in your own analogous way, how do you die for me? Isn't it already a little late for there to have any kind of argument?
This is why in my perception, we had the most hateful and violent chemistry: you were always one sided. You are your own violent chauvenist. More violent than Ron Burgundy. I understand my own jealousy and I could understand with the list of other men I throw a bitch fest with how you could be jealous and compare all the other Ron Burgundy's amongst yourselves.
Over the years, through time and maturity, my perception has evolved a little. I really do have a lot of reasons to hate you. I really use my upbringing, youth, my innocence and your chauvenism and mystery against you.
You would be the cave man type of man most definitely and you were the first cave man that I had any sort of intimacy or connection with. Through time, I have a little more respect for the French culture but am not in ultimate preference of the Tyranny of it all.
Like your cat has said, "I will always be the one to die." Meaning that when there is any dispute; when there is any conflict; when push comes to shove; I will always be the one to lose. I will always be the one to blame. I will always be the one to be thought of last.
I continue on in my isolation and lonesomeness. There is not any commune that I want to be with.
There will always be people to argue that I get my way all the time and am living the good life. There will always be the rebutteling cliche of: "Things could always be worse."
It is the reality of what has already happened with our personal chemistry.
Precious
Sweeney Todd
Other examples of catastrophe and chaos where I could never think of a reason where we should ever be together again or where I would even want to be with you again. (I really did make my best efforts to let people know Precious was an overreaction of mine and over exaggeration and unfair rumors and lies of the media). Sweeney Todd is obviously more surreal and fantasy based. I havn't caught up on everything else yet. Too much info.
I'm lost in figuring out how you supposedly died for me. I'm lost in figuring out how you love me. I'm lost in seeing your picture and perception.
I think you are the only man to ever call me Judas. You have some blending in my social world with making emotional connections, but I do not understand to this day why you see the picture that way. If you are the one who would die for me, in your own analogous way, how do you die for me? Isn't it already a little late for there to have any kind of argument?
This is why in my perception, we had the most hateful and violent chemistry: you were always one sided. You are your own violent chauvenist. More violent than Ron Burgundy. I understand my own jealousy and I could understand with the list of other men I throw a bitch fest with how you could be jealous and compare all the other Ron Burgundy's amongst yourselves.
Over the years, through time and maturity, my perception has evolved a little. I really do have a lot of reasons to hate you. I really use my upbringing, youth, my innocence and your chauvenism and mystery against you.
You would be the cave man type of man most definitely and you were the first cave man that I had any sort of intimacy or connection with. Through time, I have a little more respect for the French culture but am not in ultimate preference of the Tyranny of it all.
Like your cat has said, "I will always be the one to die." Meaning that when there is any dispute; when there is any conflict; when push comes to shove; I will always be the one to lose. I will always be the one to blame. I will always be the one to be thought of last.
I continue on in my isolation and lonesomeness. There is not any commune that I want to be with.
There will always be people to argue that I get my way all the time and am living the good life. There will always be the rebutteling cliche of: "Things could always be worse."
It is the reality of what has already happened with our personal chemistry.
Precious
Sweeney Todd
Other examples of catastrophe and chaos where I could never think of a reason where we should ever be together again or where I would even want to be with you again. (I really did make my best efforts to let people know Precious was an overreaction of mine and over exaggeration and unfair rumors and lies of the media). Sweeney Todd is obviously more surreal and fantasy based. I havn't caught up on everything else yet. Too much info.
I'm lost in figuring out how you supposedly died for me. I'm lost in figuring out how you love me. I'm lost in seeing your picture and perception.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Letter to the Jury
I think by now we all know how heavily I'm being watched and obsessed over.
I still think it is sick and psychotic that people think I should still have to live through this hell hole. It is a major dare for people to actually ask why I think my world is chaotic.
First off:
I think we could all agree that I'm being ignored.
Past that, if people would see my personality for what it was, I'm still true to myself. I'm still MIA with my anger towards the system.
I am directing these thoughts at my down to earth living conditions. Where I live, who I live with, and working conditions.
Dane is a different story.
They fucking even made MIA famous. Despite the said fame, there is still neglect. It is such a hard slap in the face when reality proves itself passively to say: "You're not an acknowledged individual at all, you're only used to entertain others. Unpaid on top of that."
Although I neglect my father, he still speaks in an obssessive domineering way over me.
I've had my talks, I called him Hitler and constantly turn my back.
He has proved past the point of neglect just how hateful and how much of a sadistic hater he is.
On top of that, he remains a judgemental person and keeps his job as a pastor.
It really is rare for me to call someone a hypocrit.
I understand that I have a history, but his expressions of dominance over me I would compare to the barbarians on Troy.I think the rest of the barbarous men in this town have influenced my dad to the point that he really is not different. He fails to see he is gravitating more toward his anger and hate and being part of the rest of the commune to be a barbarian.
I now seriously see my dad in a whole new light after seeing some things.
He isn't completely dead, but now he is a vile hating zombie waiting for any moment to go cannibal on me. He sadistically denies my intelligence further in either thinking I'm too naive to understand his hatred or knows I'm intelligent and words it in a wolf dressed as a sheep where the only way I could call him out would be to turn it into some kind of victimization game where after he has already been a Troy barbarian, He is looking for any vulnerability to try to seize when he really doesn't have my respect in any way shape or form.
I am officially disgusted that he is a pastor.
He needs a new job. He isn't good enough to be a pastor.
I think people have their own times to go through emotions. Any kind of emotion. It doesn't give them a license to kill because they have emotions. But, after the overreaction of about 10 years ago and with me already being overexploited with one example where he is exploited as well, it disgusts me that I have to live in this house.
My dad is not capable of handling his emotions.
He is a psycho path is probably helpless in this town's Troy, but I still get further victimized by him anyway.
I shouldn't have to live like this.
I'm sick of the denial this town has.
Not any member of my family
Not any single person in this town
has any right to torture me whatsoever. there should be no reason why I am made to suffer the specific and largely detailed way that I am made to suffer.
Of course people get away with hate crimes all of the time, but I really am tired of waiting for an intervention after already living with obvious exploits. This country should be so ashamed of itself for the real hatred and abuse it has. I am so disgusted.
I still think it is sick and psychotic that people think I should still have to live through this hell hole. It is a major dare for people to actually ask why I think my world is chaotic.
First off:
I think we could all agree that I'm being ignored.
Past that, if people would see my personality for what it was, I'm still true to myself. I'm still MIA with my anger towards the system.
I am directing these thoughts at my down to earth living conditions. Where I live, who I live with, and working conditions.
Dane is a different story.
They fucking even made MIA famous. Despite the said fame, there is still neglect. It is such a hard slap in the face when reality proves itself passively to say: "You're not an acknowledged individual at all, you're only used to entertain others. Unpaid on top of that."
Although I neglect my father, he still speaks in an obssessive domineering way over me.
I've had my talks, I called him Hitler and constantly turn my back.
He has proved past the point of neglect just how hateful and how much of a sadistic hater he is.
On top of that, he remains a judgemental person and keeps his job as a pastor.
It really is rare for me to call someone a hypocrit.
I understand that I have a history, but his expressions of dominance over me I would compare to the barbarians on Troy.I think the rest of the barbarous men in this town have influenced my dad to the point that he really is not different. He fails to see he is gravitating more toward his anger and hate and being part of the rest of the commune to be a barbarian.
I now seriously see my dad in a whole new light after seeing some things.
He isn't completely dead, but now he is a vile hating zombie waiting for any moment to go cannibal on me. He sadistically denies my intelligence further in either thinking I'm too naive to understand his hatred or knows I'm intelligent and words it in a wolf dressed as a sheep where the only way I could call him out would be to turn it into some kind of victimization game where after he has already been a Troy barbarian, He is looking for any vulnerability to try to seize when he really doesn't have my respect in any way shape or form.
I am officially disgusted that he is a pastor.
He needs a new job. He isn't good enough to be a pastor.
I think people have their own times to go through emotions. Any kind of emotion. It doesn't give them a license to kill because they have emotions. But, after the overreaction of about 10 years ago and with me already being overexploited with one example where he is exploited as well, it disgusts me that I have to live in this house.
My dad is not capable of handling his emotions.
He is a psycho path is probably helpless in this town's Troy, but I still get further victimized by him anyway.
I shouldn't have to live like this.
I'm sick of the denial this town has.
Not any member of my family
Not any single person in this town
has any right to torture me whatsoever. there should be no reason why I am made to suffer the specific and largely detailed way that I am made to suffer.
Of course people get away with hate crimes all of the time, but I really am tired of waiting for an intervention after already living with obvious exploits. This country should be so ashamed of itself for the real hatred and abuse it has. I am so disgusted.
Monday, September 20, 2010
~Breathing Breathing Breathing~
All I see at the core IS FEAR. Not my fear, but fear in whoever my "chief" is.
Reference:
http://www.lemondrop.com/2010/09/20/picture-me-a-model-s-diary-sara-ziff-ole-schell-interview/?icid=main%7Cmain%7Cdl3%7Csec1_lnk1%7C171718
1. I don't know the boyfriend; I would assume it is Sid.
2. I think both he and whether or not he is the chief, or someone else is directing this story, is completely FEARFUL AND AVOIDANT.
To focus in on my world, and forgetting all selflessness to others, all I see is:
"Shoot. The Sarah Palin Barbie didn't work. Maybe if we gave her a Barbie who is a model that will shut her up. We will even put a little bit of it in her favor."
In other words, I boil you down to another Dane Cook: Lets give her a candy bar. Its not even funny.
Your Barbie reality is never my reality. If you seriously want me to be spoiled enough to forget my anger, spoil me my way. Give me something I would actually want and that actually will shut me up.
I'm not the dumbass you make me out to be. I know you don't love me. I know that you would rather be avoidant and find other routes to take. ~Anything but taking on, confronting, dealing with reality~
The model most likely has more money and will bitch because I'm not selfless. It could be another trap in its own way to cause me to drown more because I'm more vulnerable, so here is my selflessness:
Dear real model. You get real credit and real money. You poor thing. You have to deal with abuse and evils in the world JUST LIKE I DO
Who knows if we really are even in anything.
Back talking to the chief: I think you're a COWARDLY ASSHOLE WHO DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO DEAL.
Reference:
http://www.lemondrop.com/2010/09/20/picture-me-a-model-s-diary-sara-ziff-ole-schell-interview/?icid=main%7Cmain%7Cdl3%7Csec1_lnk1%7C171718
1. I don't know the boyfriend; I would assume it is Sid.
2. I think both he and whether or not he is the chief, or someone else is directing this story, is completely FEARFUL AND AVOIDANT.
To focus in on my world, and forgetting all selflessness to others, all I see is:
"Shoot. The Sarah Palin Barbie didn't work. Maybe if we gave her a Barbie who is a model that will shut her up. We will even put a little bit of it in her favor."
In other words, I boil you down to another Dane Cook: Lets give her a candy bar. Its not even funny.
Your Barbie reality is never my reality. If you seriously want me to be spoiled enough to forget my anger, spoil me my way. Give me something I would actually want and that actually will shut me up.
I'm not the dumbass you make me out to be. I know you don't love me. I know that you would rather be avoidant and find other routes to take. ~Anything but taking on, confronting, dealing with reality~
The model most likely has more money and will bitch because I'm not selfless. It could be another trap in its own way to cause me to drown more because I'm more vulnerable, so here is my selflessness:
Dear real model. You get real credit and real money. You poor thing. You have to deal with abuse and evils in the world JUST LIKE I DO
Who knows if we really are even in anything.
Back talking to the chief: I think you're a COWARDLY ASSHOLE WHO DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO DEAL.
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