As much as I agree, I can't..., and Random Thoughts

The entire situation with you boat 15 has seemed impossible from the start. I'm not going to entirely disappear yet but eventually may. I have to keep going like it is a possible situation when I have run into another "stop." As much as I could look at him and agree "who am I?" I get the way he agrees with me and just wasn't wanting to hear it anyway. "See where you will be one year from now. cursed and bondaged prune." It's more like Jacob and Rachael where I am Jacob and he is Rachael. If he is a typical chauvinistic manipulator where when I have a problem with being the Jacob, that makes me the Leah to whomever he so easily gets over me for and of course, she wouldn't have anything to wait for. There are different kinds of waiting periods that I can have some understanding to. If there was some most sense to make out of boat 15, I don't know what entire sense that he would just come out of the blue and grab me. Whether it be a sincere test or not, I feel injured over you wanting me to wait with I'm not enough. I'm a person you can love or leave, not enslave and be told what to do. While you still could have a sincere lustful or emotional connection to me, I still feel insulted. enough was never enough. It is another blow that is just too hard to take. I have my own personal way of taking it in addition to knowing I get blackmailed over having to wait in several different ways. More forceful people come along who want to put me in one corner or another. … What if you were to fly overnight just to come see me? Am I ready to meet you in person? (even if I was only to be a brief love affair, I would need you to make me feel the wanted and accepted person I am in person.) Am I ready to meet your real and every day life of fame? With what you do with your life? In time, with the rest of your closest connections and continue to observe a wife who isn't divorced? With the fact you are still married, this just isn't the mission of a missionary I was wanting and waiting for. I'm burnt by the Stockholm; how much of a mystery and wonder you have; and certain instances I've had to keep questioned. I'm not comfortable letting boat 15 in my gang as long as Shawn is around. Initation boat 15...I have encountered several different worst repeats of the devil of Father Wade Calvin and him wanting having me done in in certain ways or keeping me played. While you havn't been too much of a Father Wade Calvin, I still feel failed and feel more defenseless and vulnerable to "enough isn't enough" It is a lie when some guys want me to believe they are so into me and gung ho for me and then it is "enough is never enough." When it comes to waiting, I seriously could agree and understand in some ways, but I can't. Through the years of suffrage I've been through, this is more suffrage and I can't handle it. …....I know there are more fish in the sea of real life men who I have yet to have time to make effort in the dating scene for but plan for it to happen soon. As much as I want to talk about some things and bridge the gap, it is so hard to just come out and say some things. Some gaps will never be bridged. Some scenes will always be these impossible smothering stockholms that just remain impossible. Anyway. The famous and wealthy Bollywood men along with the regular every day life people. Some of the famous and wealthy can really get a hold and hook on me. It isn't impossible that a regular guy would be capable to get me hooked. Regular men will vary in how much they will or won't play the field and how serious they are about dating and being in a relationship..... It is like there is some hidden force of nature that will always force me to be taken by a wealthy breadwinner that I will usually have no other choice to be a slave for. If a wealthy and famous man can make me feel loved and accepted without being a victim of prejudice or degradation, I wouldn't have a problem in being with him. I wouldn't see why we couldn't be together. If they wealthy and famous were to want to wonder my main response is "I know I'm big in Bollywood. I get talked about, to, and debated in big ways for whatever reason whether I wanted it or not, whether I liked it or not. Whether or not you feel my "Big in Bollywood" is good enough for you is something for you to decide. My "Big in Bollywood" is really the only sense of match or entitlement that I have. Love me or leave me. Sometimes there are other forces of nature that forces them into me, or me into them, it seems as if it were always an interruption and robbery of time against a regular man WHO WOULD treat me to acceptance and love without the prejudice or degradation. I seriously have no other regular man right now, but it doesn't change the fact that whether or not the "wealthy and famous" intentionally needs me or has another reason to take me because there is another antagonizing force of nature he wants to protect me against.

~slowly~

So, what if you were arbited and snuck up on me with some shares with Tom a couple of years ago? I am somewhat upset, but of all the things that have happened, it isn't something I'm most upset with. You are someone I could have unknowingly hurt and offended with Tom... I'm sorry you are walking on eggshells with me boat #15 and as much as I want to believe in your sense of comfort and your will to hold me; I think your outlook will be angry and frustrated against me. It matters to me that someone has a strong sense of understanding and that my identity isn't forgotten or watered down in another way. We could both have different understandings of forgiveness but I think the way you would want me to forgive particular people or particular things that have happened is probably idealized differently. While I have recently made a mild joke about someone having to be in my gang and initiating their self; I have a sincerity in a more serious need for loyalty. I notice people, patterns, patterns of people and structures. I know I see the ways I get ganged up on. I see the ways I get put in a box. I especially see the ways people will enslave me and take whatever desperate measure to enslave me for their self. I've seen the further offense against me in that they get treated to a greater respect and protection after their acts of wanting to enslave me. I was very serious in relating my anger to Django. Boat 15, I think I will eventually make you feel upset that I don't match your ideology. The sense of loyalty, comfort, and respect I need is seriously demanding. I kill to be single for it all of the time. After the things I've lived through I cannot live in any relationship without it. I don't want to lose you but there is a sense of protection and respect that I have to have. It may be something that is too much to ask of you if I "killed" you in some crossfire with Tom and you could be exceptional to the rules. I don't know the half that could be on the details of your mind. I don't know what all you know or everything you think. I'm sorry I have to laugh over just the cover of your recent book. I really ripped on you with the lowest rung of the ladder of protection but didn't rip on you enough. It is very complicated in talking to you with your real life role. The minute I look and remind myself of who you are; its a stutter. Do you ever feel a struggle or frustration in relating to someone and sharing a more natural personality with them? Do you find it difficult to be real, do you have an anger for others to be more real or do you wish the ones that do would shut their mouth for you?