Given some hints already, I think another thing you could want is for me to keep doing some of the same things: dress up and look pretty and maybe even take myself out more. I think you have already made enough stabs with my financial situation to already know how life is for me. So, you would have some understanding why I can't purchase a lot of nice clothes and afford to go out. I have found some cheap buys, but sometimes, it does take money. I'm also in a pregnant state right now; so that's another story too.
Your show last night.....
That was funny with the Pope scene. I'm not saying much more about it.
I think you're also bringing up Brian Williams for some reason. It isn't that I am denying the drama in the past; I guess I don't know what entirely is going on presently. If you are clueing he is remaining persistant about his death threat and other demands; I really do not know how to handle this right now. I already mocked you both with a rape contest and said I would prefer you over him. I don't want to bring it up or be reminding but I don't know the deep water I'm in right now. Maybe it could just be shallow water that is more about violence. I can try to stay quiet but I also don't know how to be quiet with the clues you are giving. I feel I should be panicking and asking more questions but I don't know what to ask or what I should do. During a walk I had the other day, I was approached by some people of his religion Menonite? Protestant? Latter day Saints? people who gave me a track. Of course I never converted or anything but I guess I've probably also caused some ruckuss with his religion when I was talking to Anderson the other day..........
The Neal character you had on your show last night. There is definitely one Neal I know that you could be referring to, but I wonder and am creeped out with how many shares he could have and however it is that you want me to be creeped out. There is one definite thing and I will get to that in a minute. But the Neal I know.... No, I never had sex with him the night we hungout. We talked and did a little more, but for my own personal reason, nothing more than that happened.
I also don't know if you have a bisexual relationship with him, or if you are suggesting for me to have a different guy right now rather than a woman like you usually do. ??? I'm not sure how to take this.... I'm not really sure what Neal thinks of me. Especially since I'm having a child, he really would not be the type where I want to be in a serious relationship with. I know, I know, call me judgemental, it is just what my honesty really thinks. This isn't about comparing him to other people or people in capitalism either; it is just how I personally feel towards him. It just doesn't feel right to me.
With the ball back in your court.... exploring space...and you being so excited.... You really are being a painfully sadistic predator and not taking away some pain. I know how demanding you are about satisfaction and I'll let you have it. I feel like you're driving your knife in deeper and I'm weeping on the inside and will never understand WHY? why. It is something I can't explain that I've already given death threats over and I'm waking up to the reality that this is something that won't matter to you. You were intending it to be seductive in the instance last night, but it feels painfully dehumanizing. I don't know the other number of people responsible and it is something I want to stay blind to and hate that I don't know how else to communicate to you and don't even want to talk more. It's just something to not talk about keep to myself.
You make it harder to pull off anything to lie or act out with you.
~going back to my cave~
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
thinking thinking thinking
hmph.
I'll start with Anderson. If I have an "Adam," I really don't know who my "Adam," is. I've never taken any proposals seriously; I see it more as there are immediate demands of my attention. "Adam," could be Howie. If there was another local, I really don't know for sure who's share Howie's could be. I was offended at his show last year and watched few episodes.
The thing in talking to you both: the actions are that I feel I keep on getting thrown around from one stockholm to another. I've already complained of exhaustion. If you havn't noticed, you guys aren't the only stockholmers. I know I have always been against the demands of slave labor and with so many demands after feeling exhausted, this feels like more slave labor. Being a couch potato as slave labor? Yes. When my attention is demanded, there is more to it than just being a couch potato. I'm tired of the way life has been. There are these expectations from such a list of people and I feel that it has been getting me nowhere. It is back to V for Vendetta. I can't get a job now anyway, why not be a couch potato? I can temporarily do this for only so long until I ask the question once again: what is it that anyone really wants from me? What do people want? I will watch the show though.
Jon, I think there could be some gossip with you and my Aunt Sue. I don't know if you really even see me as "Assad." Of course I think it is such a ridiculous label to put on me, but I did personally hear the words "your days are numbered." I know where this was said but not 100% sure who said it. It was definitely a man who said it. That was so mean. Jon, I have a feeling that you could possibly be testing me more with bossy women and sexually demanding enemies such as Stacy and Joe that I hate. What part of "mercy," do you not hear? Do you just want me to remain an "iso," while they make their claims of dominion? Do you want to squeeze and wring out any emotional expression from me to their satisfaction? You know, I'll give it to both Joe's that they are good looking, but it really is their personalities that make them unattractive. Same with Stacy. I was never as bisexual as you made me out to be to begin with. As for Assad, I think you're just dumb to keep looking at me like that.
Can't you show some sensitivity or gentleness?
Sometimes things get in my head and I don't know what to believe. I don't mean that in a personally mental way; I mean that in a paranormal way.
In other thoughts, not a whole lot of people are saying anything. If there is anger about what I've said with China and some cruel and unusual punishment to read into, I'll just take everything back that I said I hope America goes bankrupt by China. I take it back. I think there is some math that is intentionally off of how I meant it, and forget the reason that I ever said it. Just nevermind, I never said it at all.
Maybe some people are going to take their time in saying what they think, but there has got to be some kind of explanation with everything that is going on. I can't take the pain and being reduced to nothing anymore whether: it is based on a personal nonsystematic opinion I had of someone meaning nothing to me, or not it has nothing to do with anything.
I'll start with Anderson. If I have an "Adam," I really don't know who my "Adam," is. I've never taken any proposals seriously; I see it more as there are immediate demands of my attention. "Adam," could be Howie. If there was another local, I really don't know for sure who's share Howie's could be. I was offended at his show last year and watched few episodes.
The thing in talking to you both: the actions are that I feel I keep on getting thrown around from one stockholm to another. I've already complained of exhaustion. If you havn't noticed, you guys aren't the only stockholmers. I know I have always been against the demands of slave labor and with so many demands after feeling exhausted, this feels like more slave labor. Being a couch potato as slave labor? Yes. When my attention is demanded, there is more to it than just being a couch potato. I'm tired of the way life has been. There are these expectations from such a list of people and I feel that it has been getting me nowhere. It is back to V for Vendetta. I can't get a job now anyway, why not be a couch potato? I can temporarily do this for only so long until I ask the question once again: what is it that anyone really wants from me? What do people want? I will watch the show though.
Jon, I think there could be some gossip with you and my Aunt Sue. I don't know if you really even see me as "Assad." Of course I think it is such a ridiculous label to put on me, but I did personally hear the words "your days are numbered." I know where this was said but not 100% sure who said it. It was definitely a man who said it. That was so mean. Jon, I have a feeling that you could possibly be testing me more with bossy women and sexually demanding enemies such as Stacy and Joe that I hate. What part of "mercy," do you not hear? Do you just want me to remain an "iso," while they make their claims of dominion? Do you want to squeeze and wring out any emotional expression from me to their satisfaction? You know, I'll give it to both Joe's that they are good looking, but it really is their personalities that make them unattractive. Same with Stacy. I was never as bisexual as you made me out to be to begin with. As for Assad, I think you're just dumb to keep looking at me like that.
Can't you show some sensitivity or gentleness?
Sometimes things get in my head and I don't know what to believe. I don't mean that in a personally mental way; I mean that in a paranormal way.
In other thoughts, not a whole lot of people are saying anything. If there is anger about what I've said with China and some cruel and unusual punishment to read into, I'll just take everything back that I said I hope America goes bankrupt by China. I take it back. I think there is some math that is intentionally off of how I meant it, and forget the reason that I ever said it. Just nevermind, I never said it at all.
Maybe some people are going to take their time in saying what they think, but there has got to be some kind of explanation with everything that is going on. I can't take the pain and being reduced to nothing anymore whether: it is based on a personal nonsystematic opinion I had of someone meaning nothing to me, or not it has nothing to do with anything.
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