In this lifetime, I think it is pretty much impossible to ever prove anything about myself. In this instance, people are not going to take my demands of conservatism very seriously. I also point out that it is another sacrifice I have to make because I really do want to be seen as a conservative.
Right now, screw it all, time to get messy.
I know, it is a simple statement, but some sadists already know my pain while others remain clueless.
I will start with Caveman Chris. I know a couple of Chris's. There is just one particular Chris I have on my mind right now, while I still remain confused with the system and "shares/foodstamps" of various matrix people.
Maybe right now, everyone may either be starting at surface level with me, or they are making it known who they seriously are, what points they may be trying to prove, or what their own asshole looks like.
For Chris, it comes across as he may be trying to say that one matrix connection is true: He is in it for my Aunt Lisa or some blond chick that I don't know. He may also be experiencing abuse by her and maybe he is in his own cycle that he wants known but either wants to break out or spice up his life by including other people in it and not changing his cycle.
The catch and mind game?
He is a self-admitted Nazi that has some silent hidden motive that I can't clearly see yet. Head honcho matrix man that shares all responsibility? Some belief but I have not seen his entire puzzle yet.
I'm still anorexic to the accusation that was made against me years ago in Inglorious bastards, and he either wants to be corrupt and lie about me and cause me to suffer anyway as his own twisted Nazi disguise, or he really is ignorant and wants to wrestle me over it.
He may have a seduction with the Dr. Role.
He may want me and my Aunt Lisa, or some random blond chick to be the competitors in his own game of sophistication that has yet to be journeyed or that I may have already experienced blindly with his own testing.Part of his torment is how he identifies me and compares me with my aunt Lisa to say that we are the same.
Another movie to put on the list to see being so far behind in other movies. I'm broke and despite the rejection feel I am still center of attention not even being helped during my poverty. Such a twisted way of suffocating. I already see the structured abuse of it all which creates my skepticism of having any belief of sincerity or love from other men.
At this point after already feeling beaten to death on the inside and for the hatred I've experienced; After I have felt that I have some kind of love but still feel like I'm not truly loved, I ask what is being asked of me.
What are people really expecting?
Commit Suicide?
Become a serious villain and terrorist?
Bust my ass to be aggressive in a relationship where I am the hunter and abuser and always the aggressor or die alone?
Maybe have someone else's patience proved?
Maybe a hidden agenda I can't see yet?
Moving on to the next idea of other men:
They are still unique in their own way, but I see some structure and categorization in their own communistic way. Some say I should feel shameless, but right now is a time where I really do feel dirty because I am very sexually attracted to several celebrities in that group.
I already feel tormented over the gay issue and there have been one or two that I have already said "mercy," to.
There is a violence and agenda I can't define or see clearly yet.
I feel several forms of attractions that leave me confused in the end: seduction, possessiveness, rejection, some homicidalness, some emotion, some own personal but confusing ways of hooking/clinging.
Again, I really wish I could be conservative. I really don't like thoughts like this to be exploited but I see myself in my down to earth world and feel like I will never master the cat and mouse games. I feel there will always be a passive-aggressive fight where I either try too hard or feel paranoid that I'm not trying hard enough. It is not meant as a pass at a woman either or that I want help. I still want my independence even if I do feel like I might get screwed over. I like having a thing for the modern man.
I question if my attraction ruins it for someone who may actually be serious with me and I am always stuck in the game where I may never be settled with one serious man. The feeling of being bothered and/or alone varies. Sometimes, I really don't mind being single.
messy messy messy
